How does Ruminating relate to ASD/Aspergers? Spergs are very prone to ruminating or fixating on bad experiences with people or events for an inordinate length of time. I ruminate. Rumination is one of the common causes of my meltdowns or shutdowns. Rumination is torture for me. I will ruminate over something until I crack, I can't take anymore. I am tortured by my repetitive thoughts, I can't bare them anymore as every waking moment is consumed/dominated by these thoughts. I want it to STOP! I am exhausted, mentally exhausted by trying to function on the most basic level, trying to complete work tasks, listen to people, answer questions, drive my car, perform reps while I train, be a Mum, be a wife, prepare and cook meals, take care of my pets, shower, dress, groom all with the same effing thoughts going over and over and over and over and over in my head, loud thoughts, drowning everything else out. My rumination is literally a bloody stereo system in my head with massive top of the range speakers, woofers, blasting their noise. Physically exhausted from lack of sleep, the last thing on my mind is whatever I am ruminating over at the time, I don't fall asleep easily, tossing and turning, I wake during the night still thinking about it, I struggle to get back to sleep, my mind is consumed. Arthur calls it my "cogs and wheels". When I am ruminating my cogs and wheels are working on overdrive and eventually, if I don't resolve whatever it is I am ruminating about they burnout. The outcome is disastrous for me.
I have always been prone to ruminating. As a child if I had any kind of conflict with someone I would ruminate over it, play it out over and over in my mind analysing what went wrong, what I did wrong, how to fix it. It would be all I could think about until it was resolved. As I got older I learned how to avoid conflict.....but I still find things to ruminate over.
Today, I am here to talk about my most recent bout of Rumination, which landed me in a mega meltdown yesterday 10 minutes before I was meant to leave for work. My dear Arthur had to call work for me and tell them I wasn't going to be in. I despise taking days off work, sick days that is. Unplanned days. It messes with my routine and makes me feel super guilty for letting my managers down. I am very guilty of working while sick, because I really struggle to call in sick. That's a whole other blog post though. Anyway, once a meltdown hits I am incapable of speaking let alone driving my car and working.
This rumination started Early to mid April and was all about my job. So lets say a month, a whole month I have been ruminating and it really was torturous. I'll try to keep this brief, yeah I know, very funny, but I will try. (this is not going to be brief, grab yourself a cup of tea)
I work in retail, but the shop I work in also offers a range of fabulous services. A Vet Clinic, a Grooming Salon and Puppy Pre School. I
When the restrictions started due to Covid 19 Puppy School was one of the first things canned. Oh the relief. You have no idea. I actually love my workplace and to finally get to go there and have NOTHING to do with Puppy School was wonderful, I felt instantly lighter, I could perform the rest of my job with more energy, more joy, more enthusiasm. While everyone else was stressing over the virus, restrictions, losing jobs, losing their social life I was rejoicing over my new lightness and enthusiasm for work. I
When I went on annual leave, I took 3.5 weeks off to go away for Easter, have my parents visit and not celebrate my Birthday, of course due to the virus we didn't go away, my parents didn't visit and I was left with 3.5 weeks to rest, process my diagnosis and do some serious mental healing. It was perfect.....well almost perfect. By this stage it had been maybe 5 weeks since I had done anything to do with Puppy School and I felt amazing, I had always known it wasn't good for me but the extent of the damage it was inflicting was becoming very apparent. Now I knew how good I could feel, how much more I could enjoy my workplace without Puppy School Looming over me, I wanted to hold onto that feeling. I couldn't go back to Puppy School, my psychologist agreed. And so......the rumination begins.
For the rest of my time off my mind was increasingly consumed with Puppy School. I played over and over in my mind how I struggled with it, the specific things that made me struggle, how I feel before, during and after every class (I took a class once a week). I constantly thought about how I needed to tell my manager I couldn't do it anymore. I played the conversation over in my mind. I pictured her disappointment. I imagined not having a job anymore, which is stupid, I am an excellent worker and no-one else there does Puppy School, why would I lose my job? Should I SMS her, email, write a letter? No, I didn't want to do that because I would still have to see her at some point and that would be even more awkward. How would that play out? That thought process would just keep repeating over and over, ruining my time off. Then I returned to work, heavy, distracted, sad, frustrated, stressed, guilty, tormented. No-one knew what I was carrying around with me. No-one knew the extent of how I felt about Puppy School. Or so I thought.
Not even two weeks back at work and I broke. It got so bad that the mere mention of "Puppy School" twisted my insides. The Covid 19 restrictions have resulted in a Puppy boom. Every second customer seems to be coming in with a new Puppy, asking about Puppy School and when it's returning, every time it's mentioned I feel panicked. Restrictions are slowly starting to lift and it's only a matter of time before classes re-open. Just when I thought my mind couldn't hold anymore Puppy School rumination it increases..........POP! It explodes, bits of brain matter splattering peoples masked faces, eyeballs rolling on the dog hair covered floor, my headless body left standing there shoulders slumped in an expression of defeat. Not really........I save my explosions for home, and they are slightly less gory than that.
For me when I ruminate it starts small, then the problem grows and grows as time goes on, the problem becomes a living thing. A beast. A nasty demon that gains power as it feeds off my energy. At the beginning it plays on my mind from time to time, allowing me to still get on with my day semi unaffected. By the end, just before the gory brain explosion occurs, it's all I think about. I am completely consumed. Miserable. Tortured. Sleepless. Once it starts affecting my sleep I am stuffed. By that stage I had been pushing through each day, struggling to do anything successfully with a consumed mind. I'd often drive to work and think it was a miracle I got there in one piece. But once i've had several sleepless nights I am done. Which brings me to yesterday. After yet another sleepless night I lost it. I just wanted the thoughts to STOP! I broke. Meltdown. It was a rough day, for me and my dear Arthur who sadly has to pick up the pieces of Mushy Pea whenever this occurs.
Today, for the first time in about a Month I feel light again. My mind is finally clear. Cleansed of the Puppy School Rumination as I, with the support from my dear Arthur and encouragement of my lovely GP, gathered the courage to go into work and have a chat with my Manager. Now, you would think from my fear of speaking up she was a dragon worthy of my fear. She's anything but. She is the best manager I have ever worked with, has always had my back and always been fair and supportive, she has seen me through a LOT in my 5 years with her, the poor woman. My issues with speaking up are usually always solely my issues with myself and nothing to do with the person I need to speak up to. Anyway, I came right out and said "I cant return to Puppy School" and she simply said "that's OK". I doubled over with relief, literally slumped forward letting out a "whoosh" of air. Turns out she knows me better than I thought and I was not as good at hiding my struggles as I thought and she was kinda expecting it.
All these weeks of obsessive thoughts. Torturing myself. Playing the whole situation over and over and over in my head, not being able to enjoy anything, not able to sleep. It's over. *insert massive sigh of relief here*. As of today, May 15th, I am no longer a Puppy Pre School Instructor.
"What will you think about now Pea?" My manager said as I was leaving today. She really does know me. Stay tuned for the next Episode in Rumination. Until then, I will relish in whatever time I have with this lovely cleansed uncluttered mind, enjoy some much needed sleep, enjoy the laughter and tales from my gorgeous kids (my mini Spergs), snuggles with my dear Arthur and most of all, enjoy my workplace without that dark stormy cloud of doom constantly following me around. This is a new chapter for me in my worklife. I've never not been a Puppy School Instructor there. I am excited.
P.
Hehehe mushy pea 🤪
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