You know, there are so many topics/themes I wish to cover in this blog. I feel like I will never run out of things to say. I thought I was going to have a hard time deciding what to write about for my second blog entry. Ordinarily I would overthink the shit out of it. However, it was a no brainer. Today I am writing about Rules because Rules and following rules is essential in our current climate, and as your about to find out, I have a particularly serious long term relationship with rules.
Rules and I go waaaaaaaay back. I cant remember a time where I didnt love rules, Rules make things clear, rules take away decisions and I like many Spergs SUCK at making decisions, rules have the ability to make things fair and even out the playing field, rules equal order. Even sitting here typing about rules is making me smile, rules are awesome, rules are comforting. As a child when learning a new board or card game the first thing I would do is study the rules, I was always a trusted banker in Monopoly as I NEVER cheat. I love to follow rules, I like it when others follow rules but I don't get cut up if they don't, their loss, they're the ones missing out on the blissful joy that comes from following the rules. Now if they are expecting me to break the rules with them, that's a different story. I am NOT ok with that. Breaking rules draws attention, which I HATE. I really prefer to just float through life making minimal impact and drawing minimal attention. Following rules helps me achieve this goal. I learned very early on as a child that gem. The kids that broke rules got in trouble, I hate being in trouble, they would be yelled at, I hate being yelled at, they would be punished, punishment ALWAYS messes with routine (grounding, detention, extra chores you get the picture). I really dislike disappointing people and breaking rules leads to disappointment.
Arthur likes to break rules. It drives me NUTS. He will enter the supermarket through the checkout rather than the entrance. I cant do it, so we split up as I go through the correct point of entry and he goes through the wrong way. He cuts across the grass rather than stick to a pathway. Oh that one makes my blood boil.....how hard is it to stick to a path? He breaks road rules almost religiously. To me it's as if he actually goes out of his way to break rules. It is a constant source of anxiety for me. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts a few months ago, "Them Aspergers" and they were talking about this exact topic. Scarlet, one of the hosts, was talking about being on a family outing, I think it was a bistro, and to move from one area to another there was a door that despite having a clear sign on it saying "please use other door" many people were still using it. Her family all went through the signed door and she just couldn't. She was experiencing mega anxiety at the thought of breaking the rules, her family were all pressuring her to just get over it and use the door. I related so well to the way she was feeling. It was a relief to know someone else reacted the exact same way I would. It wasn't as convenient to use the other door, but I still wouldn't be able to use a door that was clearly signed not to use it, I would go right out of my way to follow the rules.
Covid-19 has meant loads of rules and restrictions. All of which I am happy to follow. Social distancing.....my pleasure, no group gatherings, again my absolute pleasure I will even go one step further and commit to never attending a group gathering again, no cash, weddings and funerals also have strict restrictions which I am also fine with, I would happily never attend a wedding or funeral again for the rest of my life and to be honest even if I wasn't already married I would be more than happy with a private registry "wedding". No gym, I thought this one would ruin me, but it hasn't, I am actually thriving with my at home workouts and loving the fact I don't have to wear TWO sets of headphones to drown out the ridiculously loud music my gym has going at 5am. Limits on how many items of a particular thing you can buy at the supermarket was a necessary rule brought in as supply simply couldn't keep up with demand. We are encouraged to only send one family member to the shops. Cafes and restaurants are closed for dining in but you can still get takeaways. All these restrictions are there for a reason, and I have absolutely no trouble following any of them.......well, I didn't have any problem, until about a week ago when I braved the supermarket for the first time in ages and was faced with what I think is an absolutely RIDICULOUS rule. One way aisles.
The aisles are clearly marked with floor stickers with arrows as to which way you can enter and navigate the aisle. If you try to go down the wrong way you can clearly see a big arse floor sticker telling you your going the wrong way. In theory this means you would be going up and down each aisle snaking your way through the shop, which works wonderfully if you intend on going down every single aisle and you are superhuman efficient and never forget things. But here are the problems this ridiculous system presents.
1. You don't actually need to go down every aisle. So I am in the spices aisle and I have my Italian herbs and the next item I need is down the health and beauty aisle which is two aisles away. I exit the spices aisle, walk past the baking aisle and I'm about to enter the health and beauty aisle but NO! WRONG WAY. I cant enter the aisle from that direction. So I actually HAVE to go down the baking aisle, which I might add is packed due to everyone suddenly becoming keen bakers during this pandemic, social distancing is not happening down the baking aisle, OR I go past the health and beauty aisle and go down whichever one is after it so I can loop around and enter the health and beauty aisle the correct way, OR I do what everyone else is doing and ignore these new ridiculous rules and just enter the health and beauty aisle from where I am standing, OR out of frustration and frazzledness I and forget about whatever it is I needed from the health and beauty Aisle.......which is what I did. Because one of my Spergy traits is, no matter how ridiculous a rule is, no matter if I agree with it or not, I will follow the rules.
Oh and 2. I almost forgot I had a second point, got kinda caught up in that rant. So I grab my Italian herbs but then realise I have forgotten tomato sauce, which is down the same aisle I am standing in but I have already passed it. So I need to go back, but I cant turn around and go back because then I would be going down the aisle the wrong way and breaking the rules. I don't think I can even walk backwards to get it, I think that's still breaking the rules, though I considered it. I actually need to exit the aisle and go down the next one to loop around and re-enter the sauce aisle and grab that damn tomato sauce (which by the way, I don't even eat). Now to make matters worse the sauce it right at the beginning of the aisle and ordinarily I could grab the bottle and then turn around and exit the aisle but now, to stick to the rules I would have to keep going up the aisle, which I need nothing else from. At this point I am vexed, because we are encouraged to only go to the shops for essentials (yes apparently tomato sauce is essential), only if we really need to, and we are encouraged to get in and get out, no loitering, no browsing, but following these one way aisle rules I have just covered three times the ground I actually needed to, come in contact with way more people than I would of had I been able to just zip around the aisles my own way and I have left without Items I needed out of frustration meaning I need to go back at some point so adding another trip to the shops I could of avoided. See, to me this is not an effective way to slow the spread. This is counter effective. Its stoopid. I am NOT coping with this rule. Yet I still cant break it, I honestly cant see me going down an aisle the wrong way.
And so. Until this rule is lifted I am not going to the supermarket. I just cant. I think this is actually the first time a rule has gotten the better of me. Thank goodness for online shopping. Now......if only I could remember what I actually needed from the Health and Beauty aisle.
P.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Monday, April 20, 2020
Hello, Is It Me Your Looking For?
Hello, I am Pea and I am looking for me. Tee Hee, that rhymed. Seriously though, I am 9 days shy of turning 40 and am only just beginning to find myself after a lifetime of pretending to be someone I definitely AM NOT!
September 2019 the penny finally dropped......it wasn't a penny, it was more like an anvil, dropped from an extreme height like a scene from Roadrunner when the poor Coyote cops it. I remember the exact moment, I remember where I was, the events leading up to it, the months, weeks, days, hours and minutes that this realisation was brewing for just waiting for it be brewed to perfection, ready for consumption like a well brewed pot of tea.
"I have Asperger's". I literally said it out loud then burst into tears. My family were away. My husband and two kids had gone on our Annual family holiday to a caravan park 5 or so hours away from home. We had actually decided not to go that year because we had been on a cruise only a few months before but my Husband, Arthur, decided last minute he would in fact go and take the kids. I stayed home to look after the dog. It worked out perfectly. At the time I was a wreck. Having Breakdown after Breakdown and experiencing a kind of exhaustion I couldn't explain. I was seeing a Therapist though my work EAP as I just wasn't coping with anything, and after finally admitting some of my deepest dark secrets to her she suggested I was suffering "social and sensory exhaustion". Me being me and wanting to know more googled "Sensory Exhaustion" when I got home and one of the first articles that popped up was on Autistic Burnout. It described what I had been going through, for probably a few years, perfectly. I kind of marinated in the info for a few days, maybe a week, before that Anvil hit me on the head.
My therapist through the EAP has suggested that even though I was feeling left out not being able to go on the family holiday it was actually going to be great for me. Time out for myself to give myself a sensory and social break. I agreed and decided that I would do just that. Other than going to work I completely withdrew from the world. It was amazing. while at home the silence was like a comforting hug. Not having to talk to anyone was wonderful. Not having to listen to anyone. No household noise competing with each other, the telly, the kids talking, making silly noises, the kitchen tap (we seriously have the worlds loudest kitchen tap). It was just silent. I felt free. Relaxed. Lighter and more energised. I felt like I could cope with the demands of the day. Walking the dog, doing washing and actually folding it and putting it away. Everything was easier. Without the demands of others, the noise and having to put my Mum mask on I was actually coping. It was a relief I hadn't felt in a LONG TIME.
I had learned that people suffering "Autistic Burnout" benefit from such kind of withdrawal. The fact that I was feeling such a relief from withdrawing as much as possible spoke volumes. I guess that's what lead to the Anvil dropping. What a Plot Twist, I have Asperger's. Didn't see that one coming. More on that later.
So, here I am. Half a year later, with a formal diagnosis and already a much better understanding of it all. True to my nature I became obsessed with learning about ASD. I had already made a start as my Son was diagnosed in April 2019 and I suspected my Husband was also on the Spectrum (Hence the Plot Twist, I never suspected myself you see). I read books, online articles and listened to podcasts. I learned so much about Adult ASD and how Women in particular fall through the cracks. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind I was on the spectrum, I accepted it with ease, it all made perfect sense, for the first time in my life something actually made sense. All the research I did turned out the same advise. "Learn YOUR own Autism". No two people on the Spectrum are the same. You have to learn your own individual traits and how to manage them, if they need to be managed. I was consumed with analysing myself. I lived and breathed researching everything about Neurodiversity. I learned a LOT! I am still learning, and always will be. I don't feel quite as obsessed now, I feel I have calmed down and am just going with the flow. At times I still feel very very lost, I have moments where I cant breath thinking "who am I" as I realise I have been faking so much for so long that even I don't know what is me and whats the mask. I had everyone fooled, myself included. Lifelong habits are very hard to break.
It's been emotional to say the least. Frustration, Anger, Excitement, Relief, Pride, Exhaustion, hopelessness. I've felt it all, sometimes all in a space of a minute. There's been meltdowns, the worst I've ever had. Shutdowns. Rants, oh so many rants. I knew very early on in this journey I was going to want to write a blog. I've always been drawn to writing. I think this will help me explore my Autism further and get a better understanding of myself.
I am here to find my voice, and hopefully lose the voice of the woman wearing the mask. Yeah Mask Lady, get ready for a nasty case of Laryngitis. I have already made a start, bit by bit I am chiseling away at the fake exterior of myself and exposing the weird, quirky, humorous, daggy, ranting introvert beneath. It's bloody hard but so rewarding and liberating, and as another Plot Twist in my life takes place, Covid19, this current climate presents the perfect environment for a Sperg to have adequate space (1.5mt to be exact) to indulge in such self discovery. See that......I just managed to crap on for the whole post without even mentioning "The Virus" until the very end of the post. Don't worry.......I definitely have a lot to say about Covid19 and how it is impacting my life. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and true to my Spergy nature I will go on and on and on and on and on.
P.
September 2019 the penny finally dropped......it wasn't a penny, it was more like an anvil, dropped from an extreme height like a scene from Roadrunner when the poor Coyote cops it. I remember the exact moment, I remember where I was, the events leading up to it, the months, weeks, days, hours and minutes that this realisation was brewing for just waiting for it be brewed to perfection, ready for consumption like a well brewed pot of tea.
"I have Asperger's". I literally said it out loud then burst into tears. My family were away. My husband and two kids had gone on our Annual family holiday to a caravan park 5 or so hours away from home. We had actually decided not to go that year because we had been on a cruise only a few months before but my Husband, Arthur, decided last minute he would in fact go and take the kids. I stayed home to look after the dog. It worked out perfectly. At the time I was a wreck. Having Breakdown after Breakdown and experiencing a kind of exhaustion I couldn't explain. I was seeing a Therapist though my work EAP as I just wasn't coping with anything, and after finally admitting some of my deepest dark secrets to her she suggested I was suffering "social and sensory exhaustion". Me being me and wanting to know more googled "Sensory Exhaustion" when I got home and one of the first articles that popped up was on Autistic Burnout. It described what I had been going through, for probably a few years, perfectly. I kind of marinated in the info for a few days, maybe a week, before that Anvil hit me on the head.
My therapist through the EAP has suggested that even though I was feeling left out not being able to go on the family holiday it was actually going to be great for me. Time out for myself to give myself a sensory and social break. I agreed and decided that I would do just that. Other than going to work I completely withdrew from the world. It was amazing. while at home the silence was like a comforting hug. Not having to talk to anyone was wonderful. Not having to listen to anyone. No household noise competing with each other, the telly, the kids talking, making silly noises, the kitchen tap (we seriously have the worlds loudest kitchen tap). It was just silent. I felt free. Relaxed. Lighter and more energised. I felt like I could cope with the demands of the day. Walking the dog, doing washing and actually folding it and putting it away. Everything was easier. Without the demands of others, the noise and having to put my Mum mask on I was actually coping. It was a relief I hadn't felt in a LONG TIME.
I had learned that people suffering "Autistic Burnout" benefit from such kind of withdrawal. The fact that I was feeling such a relief from withdrawing as much as possible spoke volumes. I guess that's what lead to the Anvil dropping. What a Plot Twist, I have Asperger's. Didn't see that one coming. More on that later.
So, here I am. Half a year later, with a formal diagnosis and already a much better understanding of it all. True to my nature I became obsessed with learning about ASD. I had already made a start as my Son was diagnosed in April 2019 and I suspected my Husband was also on the Spectrum (Hence the Plot Twist, I never suspected myself you see). I read books, online articles and listened to podcasts. I learned so much about Adult ASD and how Women in particular fall through the cracks. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind I was on the spectrum, I accepted it with ease, it all made perfect sense, for the first time in my life something actually made sense. All the research I did turned out the same advise. "Learn YOUR own Autism". No two people on the Spectrum are the same. You have to learn your own individual traits and how to manage them, if they need to be managed. I was consumed with analysing myself. I lived and breathed researching everything about Neurodiversity. I learned a LOT! I am still learning, and always will be. I don't feel quite as obsessed now, I feel I have calmed down and am just going with the flow. At times I still feel very very lost, I have moments where I cant breath thinking "who am I" as I realise I have been faking so much for so long that even I don't know what is me and whats the mask. I had everyone fooled, myself included. Lifelong habits are very hard to break.
It's been emotional to say the least. Frustration, Anger, Excitement, Relief, Pride, Exhaustion, hopelessness. I've felt it all, sometimes all in a space of a minute. There's been meltdowns, the worst I've ever had. Shutdowns. Rants, oh so many rants. I knew very early on in this journey I was going to want to write a blog. I've always been drawn to writing. I think this will help me explore my Autism further and get a better understanding of myself.
I am here to find my voice, and hopefully lose the voice of the woman wearing the mask. Yeah Mask Lady, get ready for a nasty case of Laryngitis. I have already made a start, bit by bit I am chiseling away at the fake exterior of myself and exposing the weird, quirky, humorous, daggy, ranting introvert beneath. It's bloody hard but so rewarding and liberating, and as another Plot Twist in my life takes place, Covid19, this current climate presents the perfect environment for a Sperg to have adequate space (1.5mt to be exact) to indulge in such self discovery. See that......I just managed to crap on for the whole post without even mentioning "The Virus" until the very end of the post. Don't worry.......I definitely have a lot to say about Covid19 and how it is impacting my life. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and true to my Spergy nature I will go on and on and on and on and on.
P.
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