Hello, I am Pea and I am looking for me. Tee Hee, that rhymed. Seriously though, I am 9 days shy of turning 40 and am only just beginning to find myself after a lifetime of pretending to be someone I definitely AM NOT!
September 2019 the penny finally dropped......it wasn't a penny, it was more like an anvil, dropped from an extreme height like a scene from Roadrunner when the poor Coyote cops it. I remember the exact moment, I remember where I was, the events leading up to it, the months, weeks, days, hours and minutes that this realisation was brewing for just waiting for it be brewed to perfection, ready for consumption like a well brewed pot of tea.
"I have Asperger's". I literally said it out loud then burst into tears. My family were away. My husband and two kids had gone on our Annual family holiday to a caravan park 5 or so hours away from home. We had actually decided not to go that year because we had been on a cruise only a few months before but my Husband, Arthur, decided last minute he would in fact go and take the kids. I stayed home to look after the dog. It worked out perfectly. At the time I was a wreck. Having Breakdown after Breakdown and experiencing a kind of exhaustion I couldn't explain. I was seeing a Therapist though my work EAP as I just wasn't coping with anything, and after finally admitting some of my deepest dark secrets to her she suggested I was suffering "social and sensory exhaustion". Me being me and wanting to know more googled "Sensory Exhaustion" when I got home and one of the first articles that popped up was on Autistic Burnout. It described what I had been going through, for probably a few years, perfectly. I kind of marinated in the info for a few days, maybe a week, before that Anvil hit me on the head.
My therapist through the EAP has suggested that even though I was feeling left out not being able to go on the family holiday it was actually going to be great for me. Time out for myself to give myself a sensory and social break. I agreed and decided that I would do just that. Other than going to work I completely withdrew from the world. It was amazing. while at home the silence was like a comforting hug. Not having to talk to anyone was wonderful. Not having to listen to anyone. No household noise competing with each other, the telly, the kids talking, making silly noises, the kitchen tap (we seriously have the worlds loudest kitchen tap). It was just silent. I felt free. Relaxed. Lighter and more energised. I felt like I could cope with the demands of the day. Walking the dog, doing washing and actually folding it and putting it away. Everything was easier. Without the demands of others, the noise and having to put my Mum mask on I was actually coping. It was a relief I hadn't felt in a LONG TIME.
I had learned that people suffering "Autistic Burnout" benefit from such kind of withdrawal. The fact that I was feeling such a relief from withdrawing as much as possible spoke volumes. I guess that's what lead to the Anvil dropping. What a Plot Twist, I have Asperger's. Didn't see that one coming. More on that later.
So, here I am. Half a year later, with a formal diagnosis and already a much better understanding of it all. True to my nature I became obsessed with learning about ASD. I had already made a start as my Son was diagnosed in April 2019 and I suspected my Husband was also on the Spectrum (Hence the Plot Twist, I never suspected myself you see). I read books, online articles and listened to podcasts. I learned so much about Adult ASD and how Women in particular fall through the cracks. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind I was on the spectrum, I accepted it with ease, it all made perfect sense, for the first time in my life something actually made sense. All the research I did turned out the same advise. "Learn YOUR own Autism". No two people on the Spectrum are the same. You have to learn your own individual traits and how to manage them, if they need to be managed. I was consumed with analysing myself. I lived and breathed researching everything about Neurodiversity. I learned a LOT! I am still learning, and always will be. I don't feel quite as obsessed now, I feel I have calmed down and am just going with the flow. At times I still feel very very lost, I have moments where I cant breath thinking "who am I" as I realise I have been faking so much for so long that even I don't know what is me and whats the mask. I had everyone fooled, myself included. Lifelong habits are very hard to break.
It's been emotional to say the least. Frustration, Anger, Excitement, Relief, Pride, Exhaustion, hopelessness. I've felt it all, sometimes all in a space of a minute. There's been meltdowns, the worst I've ever had. Shutdowns. Rants, oh so many rants. I knew very early on in this journey I was going to want to write a blog. I've always been drawn to writing. I think this will help me explore my Autism further and get a better understanding of myself.
I am here to find my voice, and hopefully lose the voice of the woman wearing the mask. Yeah Mask Lady, get ready for a nasty case of Laryngitis. I have already made a start, bit by bit I am chiseling away at the fake exterior of myself and exposing the weird, quirky, humorous, daggy, ranting introvert beneath. It's bloody hard but so rewarding and liberating, and as another Plot Twist in my life takes place, Covid19, this current climate presents the perfect environment for a Sperg to have adequate space (1.5mt to be exact) to indulge in such self discovery. See that......I just managed to crap on for the whole post without even mentioning "The Virus" until the very end of the post. Don't worry.......I definitely have a lot to say about Covid19 and how it is impacting my life. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and true to my Spergy nature I will go on and on and on and on and on.
P.
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