When does your dislike of leaving the house become more than just being a homebody?
I've just got back from taking the dog for a walk, it's a beautiful day, the sun is out and I really wanted to get out in it. But as usual once I got out there I just wanted to be at home. It happens everytime. I want to get out, I love walking, I love the fresh air, I love being with my dog but once I am out I get anxious and want to go home, I rush the walk and get very irritated with my Lootie who prefers a leisurely stroll and likes to stop and sniff, wee or poop every 2 bloody steps (this is truly barley and exaggeration).
This happens every time I leave my house. If Arthur and I have a long list of errands to run I will often cut the list short, I will get to a point where I have been out long enough, carrying with me an increasing amount of anxiety about not being at home, can you get home sick by simply running a few errands? I will sacrifice something that really needs to be done in order to get home ASAP. It's frustrating because I often wanted to go, I was the one who said "Hey lets duck out for a little while".
While I am out and I am feeling like this I get irritated, often at poor Arthur. I snap at him, say we are at the supermarket and he is taking too long, the man is an impulse shopper, strays from the list and he loves buying stuff of the end displays sucked in by the bargain "SPECIAL" signs, I get very snappy at him. He doesn't realise that I just want to go home. On an outing the supermarket is always the last stop so by this stage I am already at the end, or past, my tether. Of course it makes sense that post people with ASD would feel like this after a morning outing. Especially Spergs with sensory issues like me. A morning out exposes you to a lot of noise, external movement, smells, interactions with people, perhaps you've opted for clothing that isn't comfortable (I have now learned to just wear my daggy at home clothes on casual outings, I am old enough not to really not give a shit). For me there also hunger, the need to pee and dry lips. I don't cope well with these sensations at all so if it's getting onto lunchtime and I am hungry LOOK OUT. I also drink a lot of water, I don't cope with thirst and seem to always be thirsty so I need to pee often, but I really dislike public toilets and will hold on as long as possible, preferably until I get home. When I need to pee I become very irritable and distracted. Basic functioning becomes a challenge. At this stage we may be at Target and Arthur is asking me to make a decision on something. But all I can think about is my hungry tummy and full bladder, perhaps the lighting has drained me, a crying baby, someone near me is wearing strong perfume, it's busy and I am not coping with the crowds. Then there is my lip balm issue, I can't stand un balmed lips. So if I have been careless and not got a lip balm on me and my lips become dry then I am done. I often have to leave my lip balm in the car because I often don't have pockets and I don't EVER carry a handbag, I really really hate handbags.
All that makes sense right. I think even anyone with the most basic understanding of ASD could understand why such outings effect someone on the spectrum. But a simple walk with the dog? Why? Why don't I cope being away from home for such a short amount of time?
You may be wondering how I cope with going on holidays. The same thing happens. So where ever we are staying becomes my "home base". When we used to go to a caravan park once a year our Cabin was our home base. The town and it's surrounding towns were stunning. I absolutely loved it. I coped really well with my morning walks there but if we went out as a family, for lunch, or to take the kids to the amazing park in the neighbouring town I would be anxious and just want to get back to my "home base". Frustratingly once we would get back to our cabin I would think to myself "why was I in such a hurry to get back here, there is nothing here for me, nothing to do" and want to go back out again.
We went on a cruise last year, it was AWESOME! Best holiday I have ever been on. However whenever we left out room, my 'Home base" I would become anxious. Arthur and I would find somewhere nice to sit on the ship, a nice private(ish) sun lounge but I wouldn't be able to settle. I think that's the best way to describe how I feel when away from a home base actually, unsettled. Stupid thing was there was nothing to do in the room, it was comfortable but there was nothing to do. I would get back to the room then be bored and want to go out again. I found myself getting into a routine of short frequent outings. Leaving the ship when docked at the islands was very difficult for me though. Part of me was very excited as I had never been out of the country before but leaving the ship was like leaving double a home base. I couldn't enjoy the island excursions as all I could think about was getting back to the ship.
Then there is the holiday house we rent once or twice a year. Again in a stunning location with lots to do but whenever we leave the house I am unsettled and can't wait to get back. I actually don't go on all the outings, leaving Arthur to take the kids out while I enjoy the quiet back at "home base". Our outings on this holiday are often just going for long drives. Or "going for tatas" as we say. I cope much better with just going for Tatas but the car then becomes my "home base" so if we stop somewhere to go for a walk, check out a lookout, a lighthouse perhaps, again I become anxious and unsettled and can't wait to get back to the car.
This is something I struggled with as a child, if ever on school excursions I would be very anxious about being away from the bus.
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Body fat - another sensory nightmare.
I love food! I mean, love love LOVE food! Food occupies majority of my thoughts. My life seems to revolve around food. I like to look at it, research it, prepare it, photograph it, talk about it as much as I can, in fact majority of my conversations are about food, if it's not about food, the gym or my pets I tune out. And of course, I love to eat it. I love the feeling of eating, it's a sensory thing for sure. Textures, the crunch of crackers with the soft dense filling of a nut butter, biting through the chocolate shell of a chocolate licorice bullet then the soft chew of the licorice, cold ice cream with hot apple pie, the crunchy outer layer of air fried tofu with the soft pillow inside, gluggy porridge with nuts mixed through, cold chewy brown rice mixed though a salad.......you get the picture. I love strong spicy flavours, and contrasting flavours like sweet and salty. Peanut butter with Jam on a crunchy cracker. HEAVEN! I adore salt and even put a good pinch in my porridge every day. Speaking of porridge........NO! This blog post was meant to be about my relationship with my body, not food. I've gone off on a tangent. Again. Food is definitely directly related to my body issues though. And both my food and body issues have something in common, both relationships are complicated and exhausting. Now, bare with me, this is a topic I struggle to verbalise about. I am still working it out, still discovering myself. I hope that the process of typing out this post helps.
I learned pretty early on in life that too much food makes you fat. And I very much dislike carrying weight. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like the feeling of excess body, it's so hard to explain, but I almost feel like my body invades my own personal space when I am carrying too much weight. I don't like the feeling of fat rolls, skin touching skin, the thought of someone else touching this excess fat (insert relationship issues here), clothing feeling snug against excess fat, thighs touching too much. I don't like that feeling of "puff" bloating gives you, that squishy fluidy layer over your body. YUK. When I bend my arms and legs I don't like feeling squishy excess body getting in the way. I always knew my issue with body fat was more complex than just not wanting to look fat, I mean growing up I just wanted to fit in and look like the other girls, and I certainly never wanted to be the fat kid, as fat kids stood out and were taunted. I just wanted to blend in. But my issue with body fat is more about "feeling". I don't like invading my own personal space. I learned during my diagnosis process that my issue with my body was sensory. It's that simple. I have sensory issues with excess weight. Learning that was a HUGE relief. Unlike all my other sensory issues however I have struggled to come across anyone else with the same issue. Someone to relate to. Perhaps there are other people with ASD who do have the same issue but they have never talked about it, I know for me it is extremely hard to describe this whole topic, the feelings associated and the impact it has on all aspects of my life.
I've seen both a GP and a psychologist about disordered eating, low self esteem and what was assumed to be body dysmorphia, but it was only my assessing psychologist last year that I was able to be fully honest with and try to explain my issue with the feeling of body fat. Body Dysmorphia didn't relate to me. I truly believed and still do that I am what I see in the mirror. Again, it's not so much how I look that's the issue, it's how the excess weight makes me physically feel. One Psychologist I saw (many years ago) asked me if I thought I was fat, do I see a fat person in the mirror, at the time I was a healthy body weight and I knew it. I stated so. I pleaded that I didn't see a fat person in the mirror, but felt like she didn't believe me. I told her that my reflection wasn't the issue but I struggled to tell her what the issue was though. I just couldn't find the words and when she tried getting it out of me I just kept saying "I don't know". To be fair, at the time I really didn't know. I often left those sessions feeling worse than I arrived. Very exhausted and frustrated.
When I am carrying more weight than I am comfortable with I become very anxious. I have the same reaction that I have with other sensory triggers. Just as too much noise makes me feel overwhelmed, panicked, suffocated, trapped and can often lead to a meltdown the feeling of carrying too much weight results in the same feelings. However, with noise the feelings build and build and I can either catch it in time, put my headphones on or remove myself before the inevitable explosion (meltdown) or I can't. Either way there is a relatively quick outcome and I can move on quite quickly.
With excess body weight it's usually crept up on me, I slowly become uncomfortable and the discomfort builds, the rumination over my increasing weight begins then one day I pass the point of tolerance, I all the sudden feel HUGE. I'm suffocating. I'm bumping into things as my external boundaries have changed, spacial awareness has been thrown, maybe I become more clumsy as my center of gravity is thrown? I don't know. I'm taking up more room in my seat. My clothes have become tight and I am uncomfortable beyond belief. I can't bare it. I can't close my legs as close as usual. My arms don't fit as close to my body. When I sit I can feel a fold in my belly and skin touches skin. If I am bloated I find the balloon feeling in my tummy horrific, restrictive, I want it gone NOW! I feel constant anxiety and panic. My thoughts are consumed with the discomfort, I can't concentrate at work, in the gym, at home, I can't absorb anything anyone is saying to me as my mind is obsessing over my ever expanding body. I become depressed. I don't enjoy anything, except food, which comes with feelings of frustration as that's what got me to this state of misery in the first place. But unlike my other sensory issues, there is no quick fix. I will feel this way until I lose the weight. Now.....I am not talking 20kg here. Not even 10. I am talking 5kg MAX! Probably not even that much. 2-3kg weight gain is a sensory nightmare for me. I think I have subconsciously learned to not let it go further than a few kgs. I may sit with the extra couple of kilos for a few weeks, depressed, consumed and having increased meltdowns and relationship problems with my family as I take my frustration and feelings of discomfort out on them, but it never seems to go past a few kilos and I tend to lost it relatively easy, thanks to one of my special interests being exercise, mostly in the form of weight lifting/strength training. That along with my ridgid routines, borderline clinical OCD and black and white thinking results in an ability to lose the weight easier than I believe many NT's can. I like to eat the same foods every day. Same breakfast every single day, I have a handful of lunches and dinners I have on rotation but can often go weeks eating the same everyday. I take comfort in weighing ingredients so my meals are always the same. I use an app to track my calories, I believe I do this as a way to self regulate as I don't believe I have the feeling of being full like other people and I experience hunger more intensely than I feel is normal. So, if I am eating the same foods all the time, weighing and tracking everything how do I gain weight. Well I cheat of course LOL. It starts off as adding a dollop of peanut butter to my dessert one night as a treat then turns into doing it every night, and I either don't add it into my app or I don't add as much as what I am actually consuming. A dollop of peanut butter is usually way more than 10gm. Or I start having an extra meal a day, usually crackers with nut butter, which I will add into my app.......but then go back for another helping, then maybe another and NOT add that helping in because I know it will tip my allowed calories over and I don't want to see that. Sometimes when I eat I enjoy the sensation of chewing so much I just keep going back for more, I can't stop, I want more and more and more of that feeling on my gums. It's like scratching an itch. I think that's the best way to describe it. If I am eating when I am not hungry it's not out of boredom, it's out of sensory pleasure. Another contributing factor is simply sometimes my portion sizes get bigger without me actually documenting the increases into my app. This is also why I like to weight and measure my food.
Then there's routine. I am so set in my routines that even if I am not hungry I will have my set meals. That said, during the day the lack of hunger is never an issue but sometimes by the end of the day, after dinner I am actually feeling full. But I will still have my 8pm dessert. 80gm frozen blueberries defrosted and mixed with 25gm protein powder and 80gm coconut yogurt. It's routine. So much so that if on a rare occasion I go out for dinner I still have my blueberry pro-gurt dessert when I get home. When I am out as the night wears on I become anxious about missing my bedtime routine of dessert then bed. There's been times where it's coming onto 10-11pm at night and I still feel I must have that dessert when I get home, it's all I think about, people will be trying to talk to me and I can't concentrate on what they are saying as my mind is consumed with my routine being so thrown out. It's my routine. The day doesn't feel complete without it. So I will also eat out of routine.
I remember one time cutting my thumb quite bad while preparing my dinner. It needed gluing at the very least, maybe a stitch, but I had this internal battle going on in my head. I need medical attention, I should go to the ED. No, It's dinner time, I need dinner. If I go to the ED I will have to wait for ages, away from my home, and miss dinner. I chose to stay home and have my dinner. That damn thumb took FOREVER to heal. Now see......I have strayed from my topic of my body issues again, Oops.
It's a really hard one for me to explain, my body issues. It's something that has however caused ongoing frustration and even tension in my relationship with Arthur so I am hoping that at the very least this blog post, however messy it is, will perhaps help him have a better understanding of why I am the way I am about my body. He has just watched me ruminate over a work issue for an extended period of time, when I am not feeling comfortable with my body the exact same thing happens, I ruminate over it until I fix it.
This blog post has been a work in progress, It's taken me many sittings to get it done due to the complexity of the issue and the fact that while doing it I was bloody ruminating over that work issue (see last blog post). Pushy Pea brain does not yield good writing at all. While I am not entirely happy with it I just don't think I can work on it anymore. It really is such a hard one to explain and I really struggle to find the words. Maybe one day I will have a better understanding of the topic of my body issues and I will come back to this.
P.
Friday, May 15, 2020
Rumination - Ruminative Thinking (Episode 1. Puppy Pre School)
What is Rumination? The basic definition of Ruminating is "to think deeply about something". If we are talking Ruminative Thinking, I stole the following from psychologytoday.com. By letting a problem replay over and over in your mind, you are engaging in a process which is called "rumination". Rumination refers to the tendency to repeatedly think about the causes, situational factors and consequences of one's negative emotional experience.
How does Ruminating relate to ASD/Aspergers? Spergs are very prone to ruminating or fixating on bad experiences with people or events for an inordinate length of time. I ruminate. Rumination is one of the common causes of my meltdowns or shutdowns. Rumination is torture for me. I will ruminate over something until I crack, I can't take anymore. I am tortured by my repetitive thoughts, I can't bare them anymore as every waking moment is consumed/dominated by these thoughts. I want it to STOP! I am exhausted, mentally exhausted by trying to function on the most basic level, trying to complete work tasks, listen to people, answer questions, drive my car, perform reps while I train, be a Mum, be a wife, prepare and cook meals, take care of my pets, shower, dress, groom all with the same effing thoughts going over and over and over and over and over in my head, loud thoughts, drowning everything else out. My rumination is literally a bloody stereo system in my head with massive top of the range speakers, woofers, blasting their noise. Physically exhausted from lack of sleep, the last thing on my mind is whatever I am ruminating over at the time, I don't fall asleep easily, tossing and turning, I wake during the night still thinking about it, I struggle to get back to sleep, my mind is consumed. Arthur calls it my "cogs and wheels". When I am ruminating my cogs and wheels are working on overdrive and eventually, if I don't resolve whatever it is I am ruminating about they burnout. The outcome is disastrous for me.
I have always been prone to ruminating. As a child if I had any kind of conflict with someone I would ruminate over it, play it out over and over in my mind analysing what went wrong, what I did wrong, how to fix it. It would be all I could think about until it was resolved. As I got older I learned how to avoid conflict.....but I still find things to ruminate over.
Today, I am here to talk about my most recent bout of Rumination, which landed me in a mega meltdown yesterday 10 minutes before I was meant to leave for work. My dear Arthur had to call work for me and tell them I wasn't going to be in. I despise taking days off work, sick days that is. Unplanned days. It messes with my routine and makes me feel super guilty for letting my managers down. I am very guilty of working while sick, because I really struggle to call in sick. That's a whole other blog post though. Anyway, once a meltdown hits I am incapable of speaking let alone driving my car and working.
This rumination started Early to mid April and was all about my job. So lets say a month, a whole month I have been ruminating and it really was torturous. I'll try to keep this brief, yeah I know, very funny, but I will try. (this is not going to be brief, grab yourself a cup of tea)
I work in retail, but the shop I work in also offers a range of fabulous services. A Vet Clinic, a Grooming Salon and Puppy Pre School. Iam was a Puppy Pre School Instructor. I have been for almost 5 years and due to my ASD it has taken a massive toll on me, but I have pushed and pushed to keep doing it, because that is what I do. Rather than let anyone down I hurt myself and keep pushing. I have hidden my struggles with Puppy School very well. I won't go too much into it, because I want this post to be about ruminating more than what I was ruminating over.
When the restrictions started due to Covid 19 Puppy School was one of the first things canned. Oh the relief. You have no idea. I actually love my workplace and to finally get to go there and have NOTHING to do with Puppy School was wonderful, I felt instantly lighter, I could perform the rest of my job with more energy, more joy, more enthusiasm. While everyone else was stressing over the virus, restrictions, losing jobs, losing their social life I was rejoicing over my new lightness and enthusiasm for work. Iam was the only instructor there, it's been all on me for quite sometime, I couldn't see any way out other than quitting my job, which I really didn't want to do. But Covid 19 gave me a way out. A much needed looooong break from the position I hated so much. But it was only a break......one day Puppy Pre School would return, and I would have to resume my position as an instructor. (I will one day do a post dedicated to my struggles with being an instructor)
When I went on annual leave, I took 3.5 weeks off to go away for Easter, have my parents visit and not celebrate my Birthday, of course due to the virus we didn't go away, my parents didn't visit and I was left with 3.5 weeks to rest, process my diagnosis and do some serious mental healing. It was perfect.....well almost perfect. By this stage it had been maybe 5 weeks since I had done anything to do with Puppy School and I felt amazing, I had always known it wasn't good for me but the extent of the damage it was inflicting was becoming very apparent. Now I knew how good I could feel, how much more I could enjoy my workplace without Puppy School Looming over me, I wanted to hold onto that feeling. I couldn't go back to Puppy School, my psychologist agreed. And so......the rumination begins.
For the rest of my time off my mind was increasingly consumed with Puppy School. I played over and over in my mind how I struggled with it, the specific things that made me struggle, how I feel before, during and after every class (I took a class once a week). I constantly thought about how I needed to tell my manager I couldn't do it anymore. I played the conversation over in my mind. I pictured her disappointment. I imagined not having a job anymore, which is stupid, I am an excellent worker and no-one else there does Puppy School, why would I lose my job? Should I SMS her, email, write a letter? No, I didn't want to do that because I would still have to see her at some point and that would be even more awkward. How would that play out? That thought process would just keep repeating over and over, ruining my time off. Then I returned to work, heavy, distracted, sad, frustrated, stressed, guilty, tormented. No-one knew what I was carrying around with me. No-one knew the extent of how I felt about Puppy School. Or so I thought.
Not even two weeks back at work and I broke. It got so bad that the mere mention of "Puppy School" twisted my insides. The Covid 19 restrictions have resulted in a Puppy boom. Every second customer seems to be coming in with a new Puppy, asking about Puppy School and when it's returning, every time it's mentioned I feel panicked. Restrictions are slowly starting to lift and it's only a matter of time before classes re-open. Just when I thought my mind couldn't hold anymore Puppy School rumination it increases..........POP! It explodes, bits of brain matter splattering peoples masked faces, eyeballs rolling on the dog hair covered floor, my headless body left standing there shoulders slumped in an expression of defeat. Not really........I save my explosions for home, and they are slightly less gory than that.
For me when I ruminate it starts small, then the problem grows and grows as time goes on, the problem becomes a living thing. A beast. A nasty demon that gains power as it feeds off my energy. At the beginning it plays on my mind from time to time, allowing me to still get on with my day semi unaffected. By the end, just before the gory brain explosion occurs, it's all I think about. I am completely consumed. Miserable. Tortured. Sleepless. Once it starts affecting my sleep I am stuffed. By that stage I had been pushing through each day, struggling to do anything successfully with a consumed mind. I'd often drive to work and think it was a miracle I got there in one piece. But once i've had several sleepless nights I am done. Which brings me to yesterday. After yet another sleepless night I lost it. I just wanted the thoughts to STOP! I broke. Meltdown. It was a rough day, for me and my dear Arthur who sadly has to pick up the pieces of Mushy Pea whenever this occurs.
Today, for the first time in about a Month I feel light again. My mind is finally clear. Cleansed of the Puppy School Rumination as I, with the support from my dear Arthur and encouragement of my lovely GP, gathered the courage to go into work and have a chat with my Manager. Now, you would think from my fear of speaking up she was a dragon worthy of my fear. She's anything but. She is the best manager I have ever worked with, has always had my back and always been fair and supportive, she has seen me through a LOT in my 5 years with her, the poor woman. My issues with speaking up are usually always solely my issues with myself and nothing to do with the person I need to speak up to. Anyway, I came right out and said "I cant return to Puppy School" and she simply said "that's OK". I doubled over with relief, literally slumped forward letting out a "whoosh" of air. Turns out she knows me better than I thought and I was not as good at hiding my struggles as I thought and she was kinda expecting it.
All these weeks of obsessive thoughts. Torturing myself. Playing the whole situation over and over and over in my head, not being able to enjoy anything, not able to sleep. It's over. *insert massive sigh of relief here*. As of today, May 15th, I am no longer a Puppy Pre School Instructor.
"What will you think about now Pea?" My manager said as I was leaving today. She really does know me. Stay tuned for the next Episode in Rumination. Until then, I will relish in whatever time I have with this lovely cleansed uncluttered mind, enjoy some much needed sleep, enjoy the laughter and tales from my gorgeous kids (my mini Spergs), snuggles with my dear Arthur and most of all, enjoy my workplace without that dark stormy cloud of doom constantly following me around. This is a new chapter for me in my worklife. I've never not been a Puppy School Instructor there. I am excited.
P.
How does Ruminating relate to ASD/Aspergers? Spergs are very prone to ruminating or fixating on bad experiences with people or events for an inordinate length of time. I ruminate. Rumination is one of the common causes of my meltdowns or shutdowns. Rumination is torture for me. I will ruminate over something until I crack, I can't take anymore. I am tortured by my repetitive thoughts, I can't bare them anymore as every waking moment is consumed/dominated by these thoughts. I want it to STOP! I am exhausted, mentally exhausted by trying to function on the most basic level, trying to complete work tasks, listen to people, answer questions, drive my car, perform reps while I train, be a Mum, be a wife, prepare and cook meals, take care of my pets, shower, dress, groom all with the same effing thoughts going over and over and over and over and over in my head, loud thoughts, drowning everything else out. My rumination is literally a bloody stereo system in my head with massive top of the range speakers, woofers, blasting their noise. Physically exhausted from lack of sleep, the last thing on my mind is whatever I am ruminating over at the time, I don't fall asleep easily, tossing and turning, I wake during the night still thinking about it, I struggle to get back to sleep, my mind is consumed. Arthur calls it my "cogs and wheels". When I am ruminating my cogs and wheels are working on overdrive and eventually, if I don't resolve whatever it is I am ruminating about they burnout. The outcome is disastrous for me.
I have always been prone to ruminating. As a child if I had any kind of conflict with someone I would ruminate over it, play it out over and over in my mind analysing what went wrong, what I did wrong, how to fix it. It would be all I could think about until it was resolved. As I got older I learned how to avoid conflict.....but I still find things to ruminate over.
Today, I am here to talk about my most recent bout of Rumination, which landed me in a mega meltdown yesterday 10 minutes before I was meant to leave for work. My dear Arthur had to call work for me and tell them I wasn't going to be in. I despise taking days off work, sick days that is. Unplanned days. It messes with my routine and makes me feel super guilty for letting my managers down. I am very guilty of working while sick, because I really struggle to call in sick. That's a whole other blog post though. Anyway, once a meltdown hits I am incapable of speaking let alone driving my car and working.
This rumination started Early to mid April and was all about my job. So lets say a month, a whole month I have been ruminating and it really was torturous. I'll try to keep this brief, yeah I know, very funny, but I will try. (this is not going to be brief, grab yourself a cup of tea)
I work in retail, but the shop I work in also offers a range of fabulous services. A Vet Clinic, a Grooming Salon and Puppy Pre School. I
When the restrictions started due to Covid 19 Puppy School was one of the first things canned. Oh the relief. You have no idea. I actually love my workplace and to finally get to go there and have NOTHING to do with Puppy School was wonderful, I felt instantly lighter, I could perform the rest of my job with more energy, more joy, more enthusiasm. While everyone else was stressing over the virus, restrictions, losing jobs, losing their social life I was rejoicing over my new lightness and enthusiasm for work. I
When I went on annual leave, I took 3.5 weeks off to go away for Easter, have my parents visit and not celebrate my Birthday, of course due to the virus we didn't go away, my parents didn't visit and I was left with 3.5 weeks to rest, process my diagnosis and do some serious mental healing. It was perfect.....well almost perfect. By this stage it had been maybe 5 weeks since I had done anything to do with Puppy School and I felt amazing, I had always known it wasn't good for me but the extent of the damage it was inflicting was becoming very apparent. Now I knew how good I could feel, how much more I could enjoy my workplace without Puppy School Looming over me, I wanted to hold onto that feeling. I couldn't go back to Puppy School, my psychologist agreed. And so......the rumination begins.
For the rest of my time off my mind was increasingly consumed with Puppy School. I played over and over in my mind how I struggled with it, the specific things that made me struggle, how I feel before, during and after every class (I took a class once a week). I constantly thought about how I needed to tell my manager I couldn't do it anymore. I played the conversation over in my mind. I pictured her disappointment. I imagined not having a job anymore, which is stupid, I am an excellent worker and no-one else there does Puppy School, why would I lose my job? Should I SMS her, email, write a letter? No, I didn't want to do that because I would still have to see her at some point and that would be even more awkward. How would that play out? That thought process would just keep repeating over and over, ruining my time off. Then I returned to work, heavy, distracted, sad, frustrated, stressed, guilty, tormented. No-one knew what I was carrying around with me. No-one knew the extent of how I felt about Puppy School. Or so I thought.
Not even two weeks back at work and I broke. It got so bad that the mere mention of "Puppy School" twisted my insides. The Covid 19 restrictions have resulted in a Puppy boom. Every second customer seems to be coming in with a new Puppy, asking about Puppy School and when it's returning, every time it's mentioned I feel panicked. Restrictions are slowly starting to lift and it's only a matter of time before classes re-open. Just when I thought my mind couldn't hold anymore Puppy School rumination it increases..........POP! It explodes, bits of brain matter splattering peoples masked faces, eyeballs rolling on the dog hair covered floor, my headless body left standing there shoulders slumped in an expression of defeat. Not really........I save my explosions for home, and they are slightly less gory than that.
For me when I ruminate it starts small, then the problem grows and grows as time goes on, the problem becomes a living thing. A beast. A nasty demon that gains power as it feeds off my energy. At the beginning it plays on my mind from time to time, allowing me to still get on with my day semi unaffected. By the end, just before the gory brain explosion occurs, it's all I think about. I am completely consumed. Miserable. Tortured. Sleepless. Once it starts affecting my sleep I am stuffed. By that stage I had been pushing through each day, struggling to do anything successfully with a consumed mind. I'd often drive to work and think it was a miracle I got there in one piece. But once i've had several sleepless nights I am done. Which brings me to yesterday. After yet another sleepless night I lost it. I just wanted the thoughts to STOP! I broke. Meltdown. It was a rough day, for me and my dear Arthur who sadly has to pick up the pieces of Mushy Pea whenever this occurs.
Today, for the first time in about a Month I feel light again. My mind is finally clear. Cleansed of the Puppy School Rumination as I, with the support from my dear Arthur and encouragement of my lovely GP, gathered the courage to go into work and have a chat with my Manager. Now, you would think from my fear of speaking up she was a dragon worthy of my fear. She's anything but. She is the best manager I have ever worked with, has always had my back and always been fair and supportive, she has seen me through a LOT in my 5 years with her, the poor woman. My issues with speaking up are usually always solely my issues with myself and nothing to do with the person I need to speak up to. Anyway, I came right out and said "I cant return to Puppy School" and she simply said "that's OK". I doubled over with relief, literally slumped forward letting out a "whoosh" of air. Turns out she knows me better than I thought and I was not as good at hiding my struggles as I thought and she was kinda expecting it.
All these weeks of obsessive thoughts. Torturing myself. Playing the whole situation over and over and over in my head, not being able to enjoy anything, not able to sleep. It's over. *insert massive sigh of relief here*. As of today, May 15th, I am no longer a Puppy Pre School Instructor.
"What will you think about now Pea?" My manager said as I was leaving today. She really does know me. Stay tuned for the next Episode in Rumination. Until then, I will relish in whatever time I have with this lovely cleansed uncluttered mind, enjoy some much needed sleep, enjoy the laughter and tales from my gorgeous kids (my mini Spergs), snuggles with my dear Arthur and most of all, enjoy my workplace without that dark stormy cloud of doom constantly following me around. This is a new chapter for me in my worklife. I've never not been a Puppy School Instructor there. I am excited.
P.
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
A Sensory Nightmare.
Sensory Issues.
Sensory Issues often accompany Autism. In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association added sensory sensitivities to the symptoms that help diagnose autism.
Autism's sensory issues can involve both hyper-sensitivities (over-responsiveness) and hypo-sensitivities (under responsiveness) to a wide range of stimuli.
These can involve:
-Sights
-Sounds
-Smells
-Tastes
-Touch
-Balance
-Body awareness (proprioception)
For example, many people on the spectrum are hyper-sensitive to bright lights or certain light wavelengths (e.g. from fluorescent lights). Many find certain sounds, smells and tastes overwhelming. Certain types of touch (light or deep) can feel extremely uncomfortable. (autismspeaks.org)
I am hyper-sensitive. I always have been. As a child I hated loud noise and would hold my hands over my ears. I was very particular with my clothing, hating the feeling of scratchy tags, twisted socks, shoe laces too tight, or one shoe tighter than the other. I hated jeans and had a preference for dresses rather than pants of any kind but my absolute favorite item of clothing to wear was my bathing suit. Ah yes, my bathing suit was soft, silky, smooth, with no flapping arms or legs to touch and irritate my body, no cuffs too tight and scratchy. No waistband pinching my tummy. No excess fabric to twist and suffocate me. After bedtime I would secretly change into my bathing suit to sleep as I couldn't tolerate my nightie riding up and twisting around my body or my pajama pants legs doing the same, causing a buildup of scrunched fabric behind my knees. I would mourn an outgrown or worn out bathing suit, I remember this feeling clearly, the sadness even disbelief of losing my friendly bathing suit. The injustice. It didn't seem fair. Thinking about it now, perhaps I also enjoyed the torso compression a bathing suit provided.
If there was an item of clothing that was particularly comfy I would try to wear it to death. My Mum recalls a particular dress I had that she struggled to wash as I wanted to wear it all the time. I actually remember the dress and remember rescuing it from the "rag bag"at least once. I am still like this today. I found a particular style of long sleeve top at Target many years ago, in the kids section, it was so comfortable I bought at least 8 of them, all the same colour too. Today I recon I have 4 left, and they are very sad indeed. Holes in the armpits, they are thin, stretched, stained.......but oh so comfortable. I still trawl the internet every now and then on the lookout for something similar, but nothing ever stacks up.
Tags today are much softer and I can tolerate some of them. However I wear alot of active wear and most of them come tagless which is awesome. Most of my undies have matching holes at the back where a tag once took up unwanted residence. Ripping the tags out, usually in frustration, almost always results in a hole. My gym bag has a collection of tags in it, I would often be performing sets and be so distracted by an irritating tag, frustration would build until I would openly explode and furiously rip the offending tag off, mid workout, throw the tag on the floor in an epic display of childish tantrum.........then feel bad about littering and pick the tag up and pop it in my bag for later disposal (or to be forgotten and simply become an addition the the gym bag tag collection). As a child I remember my Mum cutting the tags off my clothing, knowing full well an irritating tag would result in an epic tantrum. Sadly, the sharp stump of a tag left behind from cutting was always more irritating than the original tag (which is why I am now a tag ripper rather than cutter).
I remember socks being a challenge as a child. Always either too tight around the cuff or too loose causing them to fall down, tickle my legs or even worse......scrunch up in my shoe. Ewwwwwww. When I was so young my Mum would put my socks on for me I remember her always doing it wrong. My socks would feel horrific. She would pull them on too tight causing my toes to scrunch and the heel to be in the wrong place (halfway up my calf), they would be slightly twisted causing the toe seam to rub irritatingly. I was known to be a tantruming child, is it any wonder when your socks are TOO TIGHT, TWISTED AND SCRUNCHED. She would also lick her fingers to grip the socks as she tried to adjust them, touching MY socks with HER licked fingers (EWWWWWWWW) then pinching the skin on my legs as she pinched the fabric of the offending socks. I'm actually raging right now at the memory. You'd think that now I am 40 and dressing myself all these woes would be over. You'd be wrong.
My sensory issues were one of the main things that tipped that Anvil off the cliff. I remember when my Son was first diagnosed and we were reading books about ASD I related so much to all the chapters on Sensory issues, book after book I related. My Son is more on the hypo-sensitive side. He is definitely in the "feels it less"category. I can say in all honestly that if I could change anything, ANYTHING about my ASD traits it would be my sensory issues. I actually quite like my other traits, I even love many of them. But my sensory stuff ruins me......absolutely ruins me. I hear, smell, see and feel EVERYTHING intensely. Temperature. Hunger. The need to pee. Dry lips. Irritating clothing. I have an acute sense of smell and find offensive smells intolerable and often nauseating. I hate noise, to the point where I really have to fight the urge to put my hands over my ears. I learned pretty early on as a child that the action of putting your hands over your ears is socially unacceptable. I cant remember if I was told off for it but I learned somehow not to do it......but the urge is always there. The gym I go to, well used to go to pre covid-19, has music playing really really loud. I hate it. It has caused me to spontaneous combust into tears numerous times. Its hard to describe the effect it has on me, it's like I get disoriented, panicked, anxious, my heart feels like its racing and I just explode and lost it. So Arthur, my dear sweet Arthur got me some ripper noise cancelling headphones, top of the range.......I could buy two pairs of Dr Martin boots for the price of these headphones, yet I can still hear the effing music through them and the combination of my music with the offending gym music just makes me Sperg out, the result.....same as above, spontaneous combustion. So now, or pre Covid-19, I wear the noise cancelling headphones (in ear style) with Ear Defenders (like ear muffs like what you'd wear to mow the lawns) over the top. It works, but is uncomfortable.
My Sensory issues are much more complex that I could possibly write about in one blog post, so I have been vague, as vague as someone who goes on and on and on and on and on about any one topic can be. There is so much for me to say about Sensory issues it's going to take multiple posts. One of the many things I have learned about ASD is that it always comes with Comorbidities and we all have different sets of Comorbidities and the extent of these Comorbidities also ranges from person to person but they are often intertwined. I will one day post about something called Interoception and how it ties in with my sensory (and my Son's lack of sensory) issues.
The reason I chose to blog about Sensory Issues today is because I returned to work a few days ago, after 3.5 glorious weeks at home, in my safe comfortable environment where I am able to control and accommodate for my sensory issues and to say the return was a Sensory overload is an understatement. At home I am able to wear my most comfortable clothes, I mostly wear shorts as I hate the feeling of pants around my legs, when I do wear pants its soft buttery feeling, high waisted, tagless gym leggings (Lululemon). I don't wear a bra, I don't need one, but if I do wear something it's a crop top, no padding, no moulding, no fixtures just a basic soft tagless pull on crop top. I prefer tank tops as I hate the feeling of sleeves, I will wear a hoodie to keep warm but I always take it off to do anything as I feel sleeves restrictive and they get wet in the kitchen and I have zero tolerance for wet clothes, wet sleeves and pants cuffs in particular make me rage. My house doesn't smell and my family know to limit perfumes and colognes. I can control the noise to a degree and what I can't control I can block out by wearing my headphones or going to my room. I can eat when I am hungry, drink when I am thirsty and pee when I need to. I went from this blissful state of comfort to sensory HELL the day I returned to work. My uniform felt restrictive even though its too big, I hadn't worn a crop top much at all over my time off so it felt weird and uncomfortable even painful. My workplace is full of smells, pigs ears, bully sticks (dried out bulls penis), dog wee and poo, Josh's aftershave (love the boy but by fuck his aftershave makes my guts churn and my nose burn), and the odd customers perfume, bad breath, pit stench or stale cigarette smoke. Lots of movement, people coming and going and movement all around you and even touching you. It can be noisey, dogs barking, phone ringing, customers and team members all talking at once. And if you need to pee you have to hold on until you can leave your post and go. My tolerance of my sensory issues varies. I have my good and bad days. If I am stressed over something my tolerance is naturally less. If it is just one sensory thing bothering me it's not so bad, but imagine if your ultra sensory sensitive and your nostrils are filled with the rank smell of pigs ears, two dogs are barking at each other, the owners are shouting at their dogs, the phone is ringing, your pants are rubbing your lower back as they fall down (because you can't tolerate the sensation of a belt) the seam of your t-shirt cuff is rubbing your upper arm, there are people moving all around you your trying to listen to the customer asking you for help on dog food for their dog with digestive issues, your lips and throat are dry.........and you need to pee. On the outside you would have no Idea how I am feeling as I smile and nod my head (hopefully at the right times) and calmly direct my customer to the premium food aisle away from the chaos where I can expertly, professionally and passionately communicate my advise and knowledge. On the inside I am screaming with my hands over my ears as I feel disorientated, suffocated, overwhelmed, trapped and in pain. This is NO exaggeration and how I regularly feel in my occupation. It's actually funny how just typing this out has made me even more aware of the impact these things have on me, I'm sitting here thinking "no wonder I'm such a mess most of the time", and no wonder I was so much mentally healthier during those blissful 3.5 weeks at home. Before I knew about ASD or Sensory issues I often found myself crying in the warehouse, an anxious mess, no idea why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Blaming it non existent problems at home, problems I think I had created in my head so I had something to blame for the way I was feeling or perhaps the problems did exist but they were minor and I was blowing them up, dramatising them so I could account for my extreme anxious emotional feelings and outbursts. Now I have an understanding of these things I can at least understand WHY I feel and react the way I do, and I am learning how to manage it so I have less meltdowns, and less crying fits in the warehouse.
Navigating some of life's simplest pleasures, like going to a cafe, can be an absolute nightmare when you have ASD and Sensory Issues. Perhaps that will be my next blog post. "Going To A Cafe" The culinary adventures of a Sperg.
Stay Tuned.
P.
Sensory Issues often accompany Autism. In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association added sensory sensitivities to the symptoms that help diagnose autism.
Autism's sensory issues can involve both hyper-sensitivities (over-responsiveness) and hypo-sensitivities (under responsiveness) to a wide range of stimuli.
These can involve:
-Sights
-Sounds
-Smells
-Tastes
-Touch
-Balance
-Body awareness (proprioception)
For example, many people on the spectrum are hyper-sensitive to bright lights or certain light wavelengths (e.g. from fluorescent lights). Many find certain sounds, smells and tastes overwhelming. Certain types of touch (light or deep) can feel extremely uncomfortable. (autismspeaks.org)
I am hyper-sensitive. I always have been. As a child I hated loud noise and would hold my hands over my ears. I was very particular with my clothing, hating the feeling of scratchy tags, twisted socks, shoe laces too tight, or one shoe tighter than the other. I hated jeans and had a preference for dresses rather than pants of any kind but my absolute favorite item of clothing to wear was my bathing suit. Ah yes, my bathing suit was soft, silky, smooth, with no flapping arms or legs to touch and irritate my body, no cuffs too tight and scratchy. No waistband pinching my tummy. No excess fabric to twist and suffocate me. After bedtime I would secretly change into my bathing suit to sleep as I couldn't tolerate my nightie riding up and twisting around my body or my pajama pants legs doing the same, causing a buildup of scrunched fabric behind my knees. I would mourn an outgrown or worn out bathing suit, I remember this feeling clearly, the sadness even disbelief of losing my friendly bathing suit. The injustice. It didn't seem fair. Thinking about it now, perhaps I also enjoyed the torso compression a bathing suit provided.
If there was an item of clothing that was particularly comfy I would try to wear it to death. My Mum recalls a particular dress I had that she struggled to wash as I wanted to wear it all the time. I actually remember the dress and remember rescuing it from the "rag bag"at least once. I am still like this today. I found a particular style of long sleeve top at Target many years ago, in the kids section, it was so comfortable I bought at least 8 of them, all the same colour too. Today I recon I have 4 left, and they are very sad indeed. Holes in the armpits, they are thin, stretched, stained.......but oh so comfortable. I still trawl the internet every now and then on the lookout for something similar, but nothing ever stacks up.
Tags today are much softer and I can tolerate some of them. However I wear alot of active wear and most of them come tagless which is awesome. Most of my undies have matching holes at the back where a tag once took up unwanted residence. Ripping the tags out, usually in frustration, almost always results in a hole. My gym bag has a collection of tags in it, I would often be performing sets and be so distracted by an irritating tag, frustration would build until I would openly explode and furiously rip the offending tag off, mid workout, throw the tag on the floor in an epic display of childish tantrum.........then feel bad about littering and pick the tag up and pop it in my bag for later disposal (or to be forgotten and simply become an addition the the gym bag tag collection). As a child I remember my Mum cutting the tags off my clothing, knowing full well an irritating tag would result in an epic tantrum. Sadly, the sharp stump of a tag left behind from cutting was always more irritating than the original tag (which is why I am now a tag ripper rather than cutter).
I remember socks being a challenge as a child. Always either too tight around the cuff or too loose causing them to fall down, tickle my legs or even worse......scrunch up in my shoe. Ewwwwwww. When I was so young my Mum would put my socks on for me I remember her always doing it wrong. My socks would feel horrific. She would pull them on too tight causing my toes to scrunch and the heel to be in the wrong place (halfway up my calf), they would be slightly twisted causing the toe seam to rub irritatingly. I was known to be a tantruming child, is it any wonder when your socks are TOO TIGHT, TWISTED AND SCRUNCHED. She would also lick her fingers to grip the socks as she tried to adjust them, touching MY socks with HER licked fingers (EWWWWWWWW) then pinching the skin on my legs as she pinched the fabric of the offending socks. I'm actually raging right now at the memory. You'd think that now I am 40 and dressing myself all these woes would be over. You'd be wrong.
My sensory issues were one of the main things that tipped that Anvil off the cliff. I remember when my Son was first diagnosed and we were reading books about ASD I related so much to all the chapters on Sensory issues, book after book I related. My Son is more on the hypo-sensitive side. He is definitely in the "feels it less"category. I can say in all honestly that if I could change anything, ANYTHING about my ASD traits it would be my sensory issues. I actually quite like my other traits, I even love many of them. But my sensory stuff ruins me......absolutely ruins me. I hear, smell, see and feel EVERYTHING intensely. Temperature. Hunger. The need to pee. Dry lips. Irritating clothing. I have an acute sense of smell and find offensive smells intolerable and often nauseating. I hate noise, to the point where I really have to fight the urge to put my hands over my ears. I learned pretty early on as a child that the action of putting your hands over your ears is socially unacceptable. I cant remember if I was told off for it but I learned somehow not to do it......but the urge is always there. The gym I go to, well used to go to pre covid-19, has music playing really really loud. I hate it. It has caused me to spontaneous combust into tears numerous times. Its hard to describe the effect it has on me, it's like I get disoriented, panicked, anxious, my heart feels like its racing and I just explode and lost it. So Arthur, my dear sweet Arthur got me some ripper noise cancelling headphones, top of the range.......I could buy two pairs of Dr Martin boots for the price of these headphones, yet I can still hear the effing music through them and the combination of my music with the offending gym music just makes me Sperg out, the result.....same as above, spontaneous combustion. So now, or pre Covid-19, I wear the noise cancelling headphones (in ear style) with Ear Defenders (like ear muffs like what you'd wear to mow the lawns) over the top. It works, but is uncomfortable.
My Sensory issues are much more complex that I could possibly write about in one blog post, so I have been vague, as vague as someone who goes on and on and on and on and on about any one topic can be. There is so much for me to say about Sensory issues it's going to take multiple posts. One of the many things I have learned about ASD is that it always comes with Comorbidities and we all have different sets of Comorbidities and the extent of these Comorbidities also ranges from person to person but they are often intertwined. I will one day post about something called Interoception and how it ties in with my sensory (and my Son's lack of sensory) issues.
The reason I chose to blog about Sensory Issues today is because I returned to work a few days ago, after 3.5 glorious weeks at home, in my safe comfortable environment where I am able to control and accommodate for my sensory issues and to say the return was a Sensory overload is an understatement. At home I am able to wear my most comfortable clothes, I mostly wear shorts as I hate the feeling of pants around my legs, when I do wear pants its soft buttery feeling, high waisted, tagless gym leggings (Lululemon). I don't wear a bra, I don't need one, but if I do wear something it's a crop top, no padding, no moulding, no fixtures just a basic soft tagless pull on crop top. I prefer tank tops as I hate the feeling of sleeves, I will wear a hoodie to keep warm but I always take it off to do anything as I feel sleeves restrictive and they get wet in the kitchen and I have zero tolerance for wet clothes, wet sleeves and pants cuffs in particular make me rage. My house doesn't smell and my family know to limit perfumes and colognes. I can control the noise to a degree and what I can't control I can block out by wearing my headphones or going to my room. I can eat when I am hungry, drink when I am thirsty and pee when I need to. I went from this blissful state of comfort to sensory HELL the day I returned to work. My uniform felt restrictive even though its too big, I hadn't worn a crop top much at all over my time off so it felt weird and uncomfortable even painful. My workplace is full of smells, pigs ears, bully sticks (dried out bulls penis), dog wee and poo, Josh's aftershave (love the boy but by fuck his aftershave makes my guts churn and my nose burn), and the odd customers perfume, bad breath, pit stench or stale cigarette smoke. Lots of movement, people coming and going and movement all around you and even touching you. It can be noisey, dogs barking, phone ringing, customers and team members all talking at once. And if you need to pee you have to hold on until you can leave your post and go. My tolerance of my sensory issues varies. I have my good and bad days. If I am stressed over something my tolerance is naturally less. If it is just one sensory thing bothering me it's not so bad, but imagine if your ultra sensory sensitive and your nostrils are filled with the rank smell of pigs ears, two dogs are barking at each other, the owners are shouting at their dogs, the phone is ringing, your pants are rubbing your lower back as they fall down (because you can't tolerate the sensation of a belt) the seam of your t-shirt cuff is rubbing your upper arm, there are people moving all around you your trying to listen to the customer asking you for help on dog food for their dog with digestive issues, your lips and throat are dry.........and you need to pee. On the outside you would have no Idea how I am feeling as I smile and nod my head (hopefully at the right times) and calmly direct my customer to the premium food aisle away from the chaos where I can expertly, professionally and passionately communicate my advise and knowledge. On the inside I am screaming with my hands over my ears as I feel disorientated, suffocated, overwhelmed, trapped and in pain. This is NO exaggeration and how I regularly feel in my occupation. It's actually funny how just typing this out has made me even more aware of the impact these things have on me, I'm sitting here thinking "no wonder I'm such a mess most of the time", and no wonder I was so much mentally healthier during those blissful 3.5 weeks at home. Before I knew about ASD or Sensory issues I often found myself crying in the warehouse, an anxious mess, no idea why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Blaming it non existent problems at home, problems I think I had created in my head so I had something to blame for the way I was feeling or perhaps the problems did exist but they were minor and I was blowing them up, dramatising them so I could account for my extreme anxious emotional feelings and outbursts. Now I have an understanding of these things I can at least understand WHY I feel and react the way I do, and I am learning how to manage it so I have less meltdowns, and less crying fits in the warehouse.
Navigating some of life's simplest pleasures, like going to a cafe, can be an absolute nightmare when you have ASD and Sensory Issues. Perhaps that will be my next blog post. "Going To A Cafe" The culinary adventures of a Sperg.
Stay Tuned.
P.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Rules Rule.
You know, there are so many topics/themes I wish to cover in this blog. I feel like I will never run out of things to say. I thought I was going to have a hard time deciding what to write about for my second blog entry. Ordinarily I would overthink the shit out of it. However, it was a no brainer. Today I am writing about Rules because Rules and following rules is essential in our current climate, and as your about to find out, I have a particularly serious long term relationship with rules.
Rules and I go waaaaaaaay back. I cant remember a time where I didnt love rules, Rules make things clear, rules take away decisions and I like many Spergs SUCK at making decisions, rules have the ability to make things fair and even out the playing field, rules equal order. Even sitting here typing about rules is making me smile, rules are awesome, rules are comforting. As a child when learning a new board or card game the first thing I would do is study the rules, I was always a trusted banker in Monopoly as I NEVER cheat. I love to follow rules, I like it when others follow rules but I don't get cut up if they don't, their loss, they're the ones missing out on the blissful joy that comes from following the rules. Now if they are expecting me to break the rules with them, that's a different story. I am NOT ok with that. Breaking rules draws attention, which I HATE. I really prefer to just float through life making minimal impact and drawing minimal attention. Following rules helps me achieve this goal. I learned very early on as a child that gem. The kids that broke rules got in trouble, I hate being in trouble, they would be yelled at, I hate being yelled at, they would be punished, punishment ALWAYS messes with routine (grounding, detention, extra chores you get the picture). I really dislike disappointing people and breaking rules leads to disappointment.
Arthur likes to break rules. It drives me NUTS. He will enter the supermarket through the checkout rather than the entrance. I cant do it, so we split up as I go through the correct point of entry and he goes through the wrong way. He cuts across the grass rather than stick to a pathway. Oh that one makes my blood boil.....how hard is it to stick to a path? He breaks road rules almost religiously. To me it's as if he actually goes out of his way to break rules. It is a constant source of anxiety for me. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts a few months ago, "Them Aspergers" and they were talking about this exact topic. Scarlet, one of the hosts, was talking about being on a family outing, I think it was a bistro, and to move from one area to another there was a door that despite having a clear sign on it saying "please use other door" many people were still using it. Her family all went through the signed door and she just couldn't. She was experiencing mega anxiety at the thought of breaking the rules, her family were all pressuring her to just get over it and use the door. I related so well to the way she was feeling. It was a relief to know someone else reacted the exact same way I would. It wasn't as convenient to use the other door, but I still wouldn't be able to use a door that was clearly signed not to use it, I would go right out of my way to follow the rules.
Covid-19 has meant loads of rules and restrictions. All of which I am happy to follow. Social distancing.....my pleasure, no group gatherings, again my absolute pleasure I will even go one step further and commit to never attending a group gathering again, no cash, weddings and funerals also have strict restrictions which I am also fine with, I would happily never attend a wedding or funeral again for the rest of my life and to be honest even if I wasn't already married I would be more than happy with a private registry "wedding". No gym, I thought this one would ruin me, but it hasn't, I am actually thriving with my at home workouts and loving the fact I don't have to wear TWO sets of headphones to drown out the ridiculously loud music my gym has going at 5am. Limits on how many items of a particular thing you can buy at the supermarket was a necessary rule brought in as supply simply couldn't keep up with demand. We are encouraged to only send one family member to the shops. Cafes and restaurants are closed for dining in but you can still get takeaways. All these restrictions are there for a reason, and I have absolutely no trouble following any of them.......well, I didn't have any problem, until about a week ago when I braved the supermarket for the first time in ages and was faced with what I think is an absolutely RIDICULOUS rule. One way aisles.
The aisles are clearly marked with floor stickers with arrows as to which way you can enter and navigate the aisle. If you try to go down the wrong way you can clearly see a big arse floor sticker telling you your going the wrong way. In theory this means you would be going up and down each aisle snaking your way through the shop, which works wonderfully if you intend on going down every single aisle and you are superhuman efficient and never forget things. But here are the problems this ridiculous system presents.
1. You don't actually need to go down every aisle. So I am in the spices aisle and I have my Italian herbs and the next item I need is down the health and beauty aisle which is two aisles away. I exit the spices aisle, walk past the baking aisle and I'm about to enter the health and beauty aisle but NO! WRONG WAY. I cant enter the aisle from that direction. So I actually HAVE to go down the baking aisle, which I might add is packed due to everyone suddenly becoming keen bakers during this pandemic, social distancing is not happening down the baking aisle, OR I go past the health and beauty aisle and go down whichever one is after it so I can loop around and enter the health and beauty aisle the correct way, OR I do what everyone else is doing and ignore these new ridiculous rules and just enter the health and beauty aisle from where I am standing, OR out of frustration and frazzledness I and forget about whatever it is I needed from the health and beauty Aisle.......which is what I did. Because one of my Spergy traits is, no matter how ridiculous a rule is, no matter if I agree with it or not, I will follow the rules.
Oh and 2. I almost forgot I had a second point, got kinda caught up in that rant. So I grab my Italian herbs but then realise I have forgotten tomato sauce, which is down the same aisle I am standing in but I have already passed it. So I need to go back, but I cant turn around and go back because then I would be going down the aisle the wrong way and breaking the rules. I don't think I can even walk backwards to get it, I think that's still breaking the rules, though I considered it. I actually need to exit the aisle and go down the next one to loop around and re-enter the sauce aisle and grab that damn tomato sauce (which by the way, I don't even eat). Now to make matters worse the sauce it right at the beginning of the aisle and ordinarily I could grab the bottle and then turn around and exit the aisle but now, to stick to the rules I would have to keep going up the aisle, which I need nothing else from. At this point I am vexed, because we are encouraged to only go to the shops for essentials (yes apparently tomato sauce is essential), only if we really need to, and we are encouraged to get in and get out, no loitering, no browsing, but following these one way aisle rules I have just covered three times the ground I actually needed to, come in contact with way more people than I would of had I been able to just zip around the aisles my own way and I have left without Items I needed out of frustration meaning I need to go back at some point so adding another trip to the shops I could of avoided. See, to me this is not an effective way to slow the spread. This is counter effective. Its stoopid. I am NOT coping with this rule. Yet I still cant break it, I honestly cant see me going down an aisle the wrong way.
And so. Until this rule is lifted I am not going to the supermarket. I just cant. I think this is actually the first time a rule has gotten the better of me. Thank goodness for online shopping. Now......if only I could remember what I actually needed from the Health and Beauty aisle.
P.
Rules and I go waaaaaaaay back. I cant remember a time where I didnt love rules, Rules make things clear, rules take away decisions and I like many Spergs SUCK at making decisions, rules have the ability to make things fair and even out the playing field, rules equal order. Even sitting here typing about rules is making me smile, rules are awesome, rules are comforting. As a child when learning a new board or card game the first thing I would do is study the rules, I was always a trusted banker in Monopoly as I NEVER cheat. I love to follow rules, I like it when others follow rules but I don't get cut up if they don't, their loss, they're the ones missing out on the blissful joy that comes from following the rules. Now if they are expecting me to break the rules with them, that's a different story. I am NOT ok with that. Breaking rules draws attention, which I HATE. I really prefer to just float through life making minimal impact and drawing minimal attention. Following rules helps me achieve this goal. I learned very early on as a child that gem. The kids that broke rules got in trouble, I hate being in trouble, they would be yelled at, I hate being yelled at, they would be punished, punishment ALWAYS messes with routine (grounding, detention, extra chores you get the picture). I really dislike disappointing people and breaking rules leads to disappointment.
Arthur likes to break rules. It drives me NUTS. He will enter the supermarket through the checkout rather than the entrance. I cant do it, so we split up as I go through the correct point of entry and he goes through the wrong way. He cuts across the grass rather than stick to a pathway. Oh that one makes my blood boil.....how hard is it to stick to a path? He breaks road rules almost religiously. To me it's as if he actually goes out of his way to break rules. It is a constant source of anxiety for me. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts a few months ago, "Them Aspergers" and they were talking about this exact topic. Scarlet, one of the hosts, was talking about being on a family outing, I think it was a bistro, and to move from one area to another there was a door that despite having a clear sign on it saying "please use other door" many people were still using it. Her family all went through the signed door and she just couldn't. She was experiencing mega anxiety at the thought of breaking the rules, her family were all pressuring her to just get over it and use the door. I related so well to the way she was feeling. It was a relief to know someone else reacted the exact same way I would. It wasn't as convenient to use the other door, but I still wouldn't be able to use a door that was clearly signed not to use it, I would go right out of my way to follow the rules.
Covid-19 has meant loads of rules and restrictions. All of which I am happy to follow. Social distancing.....my pleasure, no group gatherings, again my absolute pleasure I will even go one step further and commit to never attending a group gathering again, no cash, weddings and funerals also have strict restrictions which I am also fine with, I would happily never attend a wedding or funeral again for the rest of my life and to be honest even if I wasn't already married I would be more than happy with a private registry "wedding". No gym, I thought this one would ruin me, but it hasn't, I am actually thriving with my at home workouts and loving the fact I don't have to wear TWO sets of headphones to drown out the ridiculously loud music my gym has going at 5am. Limits on how many items of a particular thing you can buy at the supermarket was a necessary rule brought in as supply simply couldn't keep up with demand. We are encouraged to only send one family member to the shops. Cafes and restaurants are closed for dining in but you can still get takeaways. All these restrictions are there for a reason, and I have absolutely no trouble following any of them.......well, I didn't have any problem, until about a week ago when I braved the supermarket for the first time in ages and was faced with what I think is an absolutely RIDICULOUS rule. One way aisles.
The aisles are clearly marked with floor stickers with arrows as to which way you can enter and navigate the aisle. If you try to go down the wrong way you can clearly see a big arse floor sticker telling you your going the wrong way. In theory this means you would be going up and down each aisle snaking your way through the shop, which works wonderfully if you intend on going down every single aisle and you are superhuman efficient and never forget things. But here are the problems this ridiculous system presents.
1. You don't actually need to go down every aisle. So I am in the spices aisle and I have my Italian herbs and the next item I need is down the health and beauty aisle which is two aisles away. I exit the spices aisle, walk past the baking aisle and I'm about to enter the health and beauty aisle but NO! WRONG WAY. I cant enter the aisle from that direction. So I actually HAVE to go down the baking aisle, which I might add is packed due to everyone suddenly becoming keen bakers during this pandemic, social distancing is not happening down the baking aisle, OR I go past the health and beauty aisle and go down whichever one is after it so I can loop around and enter the health and beauty aisle the correct way, OR I do what everyone else is doing and ignore these new ridiculous rules and just enter the health and beauty aisle from where I am standing, OR out of frustration and frazzledness I and forget about whatever it is I needed from the health and beauty Aisle.......which is what I did. Because one of my Spergy traits is, no matter how ridiculous a rule is, no matter if I agree with it or not, I will follow the rules.
Oh and 2. I almost forgot I had a second point, got kinda caught up in that rant. So I grab my Italian herbs but then realise I have forgotten tomato sauce, which is down the same aisle I am standing in but I have already passed it. So I need to go back, but I cant turn around and go back because then I would be going down the aisle the wrong way and breaking the rules. I don't think I can even walk backwards to get it, I think that's still breaking the rules, though I considered it. I actually need to exit the aisle and go down the next one to loop around and re-enter the sauce aisle and grab that damn tomato sauce (which by the way, I don't even eat). Now to make matters worse the sauce it right at the beginning of the aisle and ordinarily I could grab the bottle and then turn around and exit the aisle but now, to stick to the rules I would have to keep going up the aisle, which I need nothing else from. At this point I am vexed, because we are encouraged to only go to the shops for essentials (yes apparently tomato sauce is essential), only if we really need to, and we are encouraged to get in and get out, no loitering, no browsing, but following these one way aisle rules I have just covered three times the ground I actually needed to, come in contact with way more people than I would of had I been able to just zip around the aisles my own way and I have left without Items I needed out of frustration meaning I need to go back at some point so adding another trip to the shops I could of avoided. See, to me this is not an effective way to slow the spread. This is counter effective. Its stoopid. I am NOT coping with this rule. Yet I still cant break it, I honestly cant see me going down an aisle the wrong way.
And so. Until this rule is lifted I am not going to the supermarket. I just cant. I think this is actually the first time a rule has gotten the better of me. Thank goodness for online shopping. Now......if only I could remember what I actually needed from the Health and Beauty aisle.
P.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Hello, Is It Me Your Looking For?
Hello, I am Pea and I am looking for me. Tee Hee, that rhymed. Seriously though, I am 9 days shy of turning 40 and am only just beginning to find myself after a lifetime of pretending to be someone I definitely AM NOT!
September 2019 the penny finally dropped......it wasn't a penny, it was more like an anvil, dropped from an extreme height like a scene from Roadrunner when the poor Coyote cops it. I remember the exact moment, I remember where I was, the events leading up to it, the months, weeks, days, hours and minutes that this realisation was brewing for just waiting for it be brewed to perfection, ready for consumption like a well brewed pot of tea.
"I have Asperger's". I literally said it out loud then burst into tears. My family were away. My husband and two kids had gone on our Annual family holiday to a caravan park 5 or so hours away from home. We had actually decided not to go that year because we had been on a cruise only a few months before but my Husband, Arthur, decided last minute he would in fact go and take the kids. I stayed home to look after the dog. It worked out perfectly. At the time I was a wreck. Having Breakdown after Breakdown and experiencing a kind of exhaustion I couldn't explain. I was seeing a Therapist though my work EAP as I just wasn't coping with anything, and after finally admitting some of my deepest dark secrets to her she suggested I was suffering "social and sensory exhaustion". Me being me and wanting to know more googled "Sensory Exhaustion" when I got home and one of the first articles that popped up was on Autistic Burnout. It described what I had been going through, for probably a few years, perfectly. I kind of marinated in the info for a few days, maybe a week, before that Anvil hit me on the head.
My therapist through the EAP has suggested that even though I was feeling left out not being able to go on the family holiday it was actually going to be great for me. Time out for myself to give myself a sensory and social break. I agreed and decided that I would do just that. Other than going to work I completely withdrew from the world. It was amazing. while at home the silence was like a comforting hug. Not having to talk to anyone was wonderful. Not having to listen to anyone. No household noise competing with each other, the telly, the kids talking, making silly noises, the kitchen tap (we seriously have the worlds loudest kitchen tap). It was just silent. I felt free. Relaxed. Lighter and more energised. I felt like I could cope with the demands of the day. Walking the dog, doing washing and actually folding it and putting it away. Everything was easier. Without the demands of others, the noise and having to put my Mum mask on I was actually coping. It was a relief I hadn't felt in a LONG TIME.
I had learned that people suffering "Autistic Burnout" benefit from such kind of withdrawal. The fact that I was feeling such a relief from withdrawing as much as possible spoke volumes. I guess that's what lead to the Anvil dropping. What a Plot Twist, I have Asperger's. Didn't see that one coming. More on that later.
So, here I am. Half a year later, with a formal diagnosis and already a much better understanding of it all. True to my nature I became obsessed with learning about ASD. I had already made a start as my Son was diagnosed in April 2019 and I suspected my Husband was also on the Spectrum (Hence the Plot Twist, I never suspected myself you see). I read books, online articles and listened to podcasts. I learned so much about Adult ASD and how Women in particular fall through the cracks. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind I was on the spectrum, I accepted it with ease, it all made perfect sense, for the first time in my life something actually made sense. All the research I did turned out the same advise. "Learn YOUR own Autism". No two people on the Spectrum are the same. You have to learn your own individual traits and how to manage them, if they need to be managed. I was consumed with analysing myself. I lived and breathed researching everything about Neurodiversity. I learned a LOT! I am still learning, and always will be. I don't feel quite as obsessed now, I feel I have calmed down and am just going with the flow. At times I still feel very very lost, I have moments where I cant breath thinking "who am I" as I realise I have been faking so much for so long that even I don't know what is me and whats the mask. I had everyone fooled, myself included. Lifelong habits are very hard to break.
It's been emotional to say the least. Frustration, Anger, Excitement, Relief, Pride, Exhaustion, hopelessness. I've felt it all, sometimes all in a space of a minute. There's been meltdowns, the worst I've ever had. Shutdowns. Rants, oh so many rants. I knew very early on in this journey I was going to want to write a blog. I've always been drawn to writing. I think this will help me explore my Autism further and get a better understanding of myself.
I am here to find my voice, and hopefully lose the voice of the woman wearing the mask. Yeah Mask Lady, get ready for a nasty case of Laryngitis. I have already made a start, bit by bit I am chiseling away at the fake exterior of myself and exposing the weird, quirky, humorous, daggy, ranting introvert beneath. It's bloody hard but so rewarding and liberating, and as another Plot Twist in my life takes place, Covid19, this current climate presents the perfect environment for a Sperg to have adequate space (1.5mt to be exact) to indulge in such self discovery. See that......I just managed to crap on for the whole post without even mentioning "The Virus" until the very end of the post. Don't worry.......I definitely have a lot to say about Covid19 and how it is impacting my life. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and true to my Spergy nature I will go on and on and on and on and on.
P.
September 2019 the penny finally dropped......it wasn't a penny, it was more like an anvil, dropped from an extreme height like a scene from Roadrunner when the poor Coyote cops it. I remember the exact moment, I remember where I was, the events leading up to it, the months, weeks, days, hours and minutes that this realisation was brewing for just waiting for it be brewed to perfection, ready for consumption like a well brewed pot of tea.
"I have Asperger's". I literally said it out loud then burst into tears. My family were away. My husband and two kids had gone on our Annual family holiday to a caravan park 5 or so hours away from home. We had actually decided not to go that year because we had been on a cruise only a few months before but my Husband, Arthur, decided last minute he would in fact go and take the kids. I stayed home to look after the dog. It worked out perfectly. At the time I was a wreck. Having Breakdown after Breakdown and experiencing a kind of exhaustion I couldn't explain. I was seeing a Therapist though my work EAP as I just wasn't coping with anything, and after finally admitting some of my deepest dark secrets to her she suggested I was suffering "social and sensory exhaustion". Me being me and wanting to know more googled "Sensory Exhaustion" when I got home and one of the first articles that popped up was on Autistic Burnout. It described what I had been going through, for probably a few years, perfectly. I kind of marinated in the info for a few days, maybe a week, before that Anvil hit me on the head.
My therapist through the EAP has suggested that even though I was feeling left out not being able to go on the family holiday it was actually going to be great for me. Time out for myself to give myself a sensory and social break. I agreed and decided that I would do just that. Other than going to work I completely withdrew from the world. It was amazing. while at home the silence was like a comforting hug. Not having to talk to anyone was wonderful. Not having to listen to anyone. No household noise competing with each other, the telly, the kids talking, making silly noises, the kitchen tap (we seriously have the worlds loudest kitchen tap). It was just silent. I felt free. Relaxed. Lighter and more energised. I felt like I could cope with the demands of the day. Walking the dog, doing washing and actually folding it and putting it away. Everything was easier. Without the demands of others, the noise and having to put my Mum mask on I was actually coping. It was a relief I hadn't felt in a LONG TIME.
I had learned that people suffering "Autistic Burnout" benefit from such kind of withdrawal. The fact that I was feeling such a relief from withdrawing as much as possible spoke volumes. I guess that's what lead to the Anvil dropping. What a Plot Twist, I have Asperger's. Didn't see that one coming. More on that later.
So, here I am. Half a year later, with a formal diagnosis and already a much better understanding of it all. True to my nature I became obsessed with learning about ASD. I had already made a start as my Son was diagnosed in April 2019 and I suspected my Husband was also on the Spectrum (Hence the Plot Twist, I never suspected myself you see). I read books, online articles and listened to podcasts. I learned so much about Adult ASD and how Women in particular fall through the cracks. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind I was on the spectrum, I accepted it with ease, it all made perfect sense, for the first time in my life something actually made sense. All the research I did turned out the same advise. "Learn YOUR own Autism". No two people on the Spectrum are the same. You have to learn your own individual traits and how to manage them, if they need to be managed. I was consumed with analysing myself. I lived and breathed researching everything about Neurodiversity. I learned a LOT! I am still learning, and always will be. I don't feel quite as obsessed now, I feel I have calmed down and am just going with the flow. At times I still feel very very lost, I have moments where I cant breath thinking "who am I" as I realise I have been faking so much for so long that even I don't know what is me and whats the mask. I had everyone fooled, myself included. Lifelong habits are very hard to break.
It's been emotional to say the least. Frustration, Anger, Excitement, Relief, Pride, Exhaustion, hopelessness. I've felt it all, sometimes all in a space of a minute. There's been meltdowns, the worst I've ever had. Shutdowns. Rants, oh so many rants. I knew very early on in this journey I was going to want to write a blog. I've always been drawn to writing. I think this will help me explore my Autism further and get a better understanding of myself.
I am here to find my voice, and hopefully lose the voice of the woman wearing the mask. Yeah Mask Lady, get ready for a nasty case of Laryngitis. I have already made a start, bit by bit I am chiseling away at the fake exterior of myself and exposing the weird, quirky, humorous, daggy, ranting introvert beneath. It's bloody hard but so rewarding and liberating, and as another Plot Twist in my life takes place, Covid19, this current climate presents the perfect environment for a Sperg to have adequate space (1.5mt to be exact) to indulge in such self discovery. See that......I just managed to crap on for the whole post without even mentioning "The Virus" until the very end of the post. Don't worry.......I definitely have a lot to say about Covid19 and how it is impacting my life. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and true to my Spergy nature I will go on and on and on and on and on.
P.
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