Homebody? Or is is more than that?

When does your dislike of leaving the house become more than just being a homebody?

I've just got back from taking the dog for a walk, it's a beautiful day, the sun is out and I really wanted to get out in it. But as usual once I got out there I just wanted to be at home. It happens everytime. I want to get out, I love walking, I love the fresh air, I love being with my dog but once I am out I get anxious and want to go home, I rush the walk and get very irritated with my Lootie who prefers a leisurely stroll and likes to stop and sniff, wee or poop every 2 bloody steps (this is truly barley and exaggeration).  

This happens every time I leave my house. If Arthur and I have a long list of errands to run I will often cut the list short, I will get to a point where I have been out long enough, carrying with me an increasing amount of anxiety about not being at home, can you get home sick by simply running a few errands? I will sacrifice something that really needs to be done in order to get home ASAP. It's frustrating because I often wanted to go, I was the one who said "Hey lets duck out for a little while". 

While I am out and I am feeling like this I get irritated, often at poor Arthur. I snap at him, say we are at the supermarket and he is taking too long, the man is an impulse shopper, strays from the list and he loves buying stuff of the end displays sucked in by the bargain "SPECIAL" signs, I get very snappy at him. He doesn't realise that I just want to go home. On an outing the supermarket is always the last stop so by this stage I am already at the end, or past, my tether. Of course it makes sense that post people with ASD would feel like this after a morning outing. Especially Spergs with sensory issues like me. A morning out exposes you to a lot of noise, external movement, smells, interactions with people, perhaps you've opted for clothing that isn't comfortable (I have now learned to just wear my daggy at home clothes on casual outings, I am old enough not to really not give a shit).  For me there also hunger, the need to pee and dry lips. I don't cope well with these sensations at all so if it's getting onto lunchtime and I am hungry LOOK OUT. I also drink a lot of water, I don't cope with thirst and seem to always be thirsty so I need to pee often, but I really dislike public toilets and will hold on as long as possible, preferably until I get home. When I need to pee I become very irritable and distracted. Basic functioning becomes a challenge. At this stage we may be at Target and Arthur is asking me to make a decision on something. But all I can think about is my hungry tummy and full bladder, perhaps the lighting has drained me, a crying baby, someone near me is wearing strong perfume, it's busy and I am not coping with the crowds. Then there is my lip balm issue, I can't stand un balmed lips. So if I have been careless and not got a lip balm on me and my lips become dry then I am done. I often have to leave my lip balm in the car because I often don't have pockets and I don't EVER carry a handbag, I really really hate handbags. 

All that makes sense right. I think even anyone with the most basic understanding of ASD could understand why such outings effect someone on the spectrum. But a simple walk with the dog? Why? Why don't I cope being away from home for such a short amount of time? 

You may be wondering how I cope with going on holidays. The same thing happens. So where ever we are staying becomes my "home base". When we used to go to a caravan park once a year our Cabin was our home base. The town and it's surrounding towns were stunning. I absolutely loved it. I coped really well with my morning walks there but if we went out as a family, for lunch, or to take the kids to the amazing park in the neighbouring town I would be anxious and just want to get back to my "home base". Frustratingly once we would get back to our cabin I would think to myself "why was I in such a hurry to get back here, there is nothing here for me, nothing to do" and want to go back out again. 

We went on a cruise last year, it was AWESOME! Best holiday I have ever been on. However whenever we left out room, my 'Home base" I would become anxious. Arthur and I would find somewhere nice to sit on the ship, a nice private(ish) sun lounge but I wouldn't be able to settle. I think that's the best way to describe how I feel when away from a home base actually, unsettled. Stupid thing was there was nothing to do in the room, it was comfortable  but there was nothing to do. I would get back to the room then be bored and want to go out again. I found myself getting into a routine of short frequent outings. Leaving the ship when docked at the islands was very difficult for me though. Part of me was very excited as I had never been out of the country before but leaving the ship was like leaving double a home base. I couldn't enjoy the island excursions as all I could think about was getting back to the ship. 

Then there is the holiday house we rent once or twice a year. Again in a stunning location with lots to do but whenever we leave the house I am unsettled and can't wait to get back. I actually don't go on all the outings, leaving Arthur to take the kids out while I enjoy the quiet back at "home base". Our outings on this holiday are often just going for long drives. Or "going for tatas" as we say. I cope much better with just going for Tatas but the car then becomes my "home base" so if we stop somewhere to go for a walk, check out a lookout, a lighthouse perhaps, again I become anxious and unsettled and can't wait to get back to the car. 

This is something I struggled with as a child, if ever on school excursions I would be very anxious about being away from the bus.